You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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