When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
