Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
