yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
