take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
