he puts the penis in happiness.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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