I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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