i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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