Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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