if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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