My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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