I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
