I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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