I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
