I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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