i need an iv and a liver transplant
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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