Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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