lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
