I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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