It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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