this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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