So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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