so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
