My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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