Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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