I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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