yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
