I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
