Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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