I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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