like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
