I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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