Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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