I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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