hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
