Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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