I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
