Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
