Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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