do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
