Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
