help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
