and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
