I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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