break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
