i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
