Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
