Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
