Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
