It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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