he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
