you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
