You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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