She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize