im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
