One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
